One of the primary ways in which leaders are involved in the lives of youth is through the developing of facilitating relationships. Relationships in which the leader is able to positively impact the life of youth for Christ and provide help in times of need. Leaders respond to youth who make a self-revealing statement about themselves in one of four ways: (a) giving advice (this communicates that the leader has the answer and that the young person must do what they say - with the results that the advice giver is seen to be strong while the youth is weak and inadequate); (b) reassuring (this is similar to advice giving and it fails to take what youth say seriously); (c) understanding (here leaders express a desire to understand, they ask questions to invite further communication); (d) self-revealing while understanding invites youth to come closer, self-revealing takes the leader one step closer to youth by showing that their share similar experiences and feelings about life. There are times when different responses are necessary by youth leaders tend to respond primarily with advice and reassurance which are the least facilitating in terms of relationship building.
The four responses can be illustrated by a simple analogy of a young person in a canoe heading for a waterfall without a paddle. The advice giver is war up the shore shouting through a megaphone; the reassurer is on the beach, seated and relaxed, looking over their shoulder, the understander has waded into the water with a rope that is too short, while the self-revealer has swum out and is seated in the boat with the person who called for help.
Which response will best facilitate communication - which will keep the person sharing? When leaders talk down to youth (as in advice giving and reassuring) they will stop talking. The best approach is to speak on the same level as the person (this is self-revealing).
An objection may be raised at this point. How can leaders help youth if they admit weaknesses and failing? While self-revealing involves an admission of weakness this does not mean that it will necessarily destroy confidence in the leader. Leaders are at the same time both justified and sinners (in Latin it is: simul justus et peccator).
It is the same as a pastor admitting their struggles and victories or like a parent apologising and asking forgiveness of their child. Walking in the light involves an honest recognition of who we are - we must confess and not hide the fact that we are sinners, yet we are saints.
Self-revealing involves exposing humanness and identifying with youth. Here we meet youth person-to-person, rather than as superior-to-subordinate and step into the same canoe with them. But we come with a paddle - an awareness that Christ is our hope for life and eternity.
The leader who is wrapped up in their own strengths, hiding weaknesses, appears different from those who are burdened with a consciousness of needs and failures. By the difference they stimulate despair.
“I think you ought to know, dear brothers, about the hard time we went through in Asia. We were really crushed and overwhelmed, and feared we would never live through it. We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us, for he can even raise the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
How do we engage in self-revealing? We search our own experiences of life to find a common ground - an area where we can share as a human being the others’ feelings and needs.
Develop your skills for developing facilitating relationships by completing this worksheet. Write a paragraph for each type or response you could make to the situation.
Situation #1:“I prefer not to talk to my parents, because they are very intolerant of ideas they feel are wrong, and I like to avoid fights.”
1. Advice Giving
2. Reassuring
3. Understanding
4. Self-Revealing
Situation #2:“I am not going back there tonight. I don’t want to stay in the same home as my moms’ boyfriend.”
1. Advice Giving
2. Reassuring
3. Understanding
4. Self-Revealing
Taken from Youth Ministry in the Local Church by Lawrence Richards, Chapter 8.
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